Jam, lots of jam and bubbling things. Strange poetry too I suppose

Originally posted 25/7/9
Jam, well we commenced with the jam making last night. Not quite hot off the press instant blogging is it? But the time I'd blathered about the spinning and the knitting I was tired.
So today I'm typing about it.

It all started with CGBF wanting blueberry jam from the blueberry plants. He liked the idea whereas I thought that eating or bottling them would be nice. Upon thinking of it the Bay and Blue recipe in the River cottage recipe book (from which we made our jam, which is rather good) sounds really rather nice. As does the plums in brandy with cinnamon, honey and something I cannot remember. Hmmm that's rather irritating. Anyway I won't be eating either as I can't stand alcohol but it should smell lovely and make nice gifts for my. And his actually now I come to think about it. Anyway (The Prologue). Because (I blame) the postage strikes (Wiggly Wigglers has always been good previously) the jam kit arrived late. So I looked at the fruit and decided that they really shouldn't be sitting around much longer. I just didn't like the idea of them lurking not only in the fridge, but the bowl for my scales measuring and getting any riper because beyond ripeness..... lies squish(y fruit). And not only is it not a pleasant thing. But I did not embark down a route of mollusc genocide and arguments with CGBF only for this stuff to go manky. All that... for nothing. Well that's not true, some of them will survive the year with that helped. Destroying a sluggy dynasty, so a plant based one may arise and thrive. And give me tasty things to eat in (hopefully increased abundance as they get bigger). Nom nom nom.

Anyway, CGBF was off to work, i was just me so I read the bottled fruit thing, then straight away made up my own recipe. I wanted a medium syrup so put 100g sugar into 350ml of water and 60ml of Napoleon brandy. Which comes in a very serious and sombre looking bottle. I usually have a miniature bottle of Convoissier(which I have no idea how to spell that correctly) to cook with and to get this big black bottle was a bit of a shock. Oooh, slightly scary bottle, being intimidated by a bottle. But I don't drink, was it expensive type? Would it be ok to cook with? Or a waste? Eeeek.

CGBF got me some Le Parfait jars which I love the idea of. I went on holidays to France for years and seeing them again was one (still is) of those things that bring back so many fantastic memories . Mainly of Baguettes and jam, medieval towns, French markets and swimming pools, the latter few of which obviously has nothing to do with Le Parfait jars but are still part of it. Anyway (The Prologue abounds) I had to go find my jar because I seem to wander around the flat with them and leave them in some very odd places. There is one here in the living room here now sitting beside me. CGBF was devouring a massive pile of toffees that were on the table. Somehow they were because they got knocked them onto the floor, which doesn't explain why I found them in my knitting and wool (I have some in the livingroom in case I feel the need to pet the pretty roving SMILY no bobbins ) sob as well a few as down the side of my chair and I'd tried to stop him eating them all. I resorted wandering around trying to hunt them down whilst he snagged one at random before he got at them. I ended up waving them all individually at him "This is mine and I'm putting this in the Le Parfait and your not to touch it". What did he do? Cleared the jar out and munched them all anyway after he asked me way I tired. Small children apparently get restless and annoying when they are tired and he thinks I'm the same.

Anyway, making bottled fruit, I found another Jar (fished out of the packet) and while I washed it I pondered where the other two missing jars were (one is still AWOL). Rinsed it lots as soapy brandy fruit is more than likely to be nasty and sterilised the jar with boiling water and then remembered the rubber sealing ring.

So I had to go, wash and sterilise another jar and sterilise the ring in it. Then I had the experience of a lifetime trying to cajole and then manhandle the ring around the jar. A hot ring (freshly boiled, mayhaps I should have let it steep for longer) onto an equally hot jar.

Heat heat heat, stirring to let the sugar dissolve, in the water and Brandy whilst I sorted our home grown fruit (white and black currants, blueberries and a single gooseberry) and removed the squishy ones. It wasn't particularly easy to tell which ones they were, although the two rather disgustingly enthusiastic blackcurrants which exploded all over my fingers were a great clue. Hard to miss that my fingers were smeared, absolutely slathered in blackcurrant innards. You'd have thought I was a 4 year old who was let loose in their grandparents garden (I've seen it/been it with great and more than slightly sticky joy. Much to my parent's consternation). I sliced some plums in half to line the bottom in a pretty flower shape but since you can't compact it or totally fill the jar they instantly swirled out of formation when I lifted it to look the following day. They danced and swirled at me, I could almost hear the tinny laughter coming from the jar.

I'd decided to put the halved and dekerneled plums on the bottom then pour mine on the top. Then with a generous jiggle allow my smaller berries to move into the gaps. So with the smaller ones sorted I launched into the plums. I found out after a few who'd set out to lull me into a false sense of delusion, delude me by coming apart easily and releasing the kernels happily. But then they hit and the kernals were literally welded to the fibres of the flesh. Twist juice extreme puzzlement huh ? and instead of nicely lifting off the innards fell out into a fairly horrible squidgy right onto my foot . Leaving me with something like a plum version of a potato skin behind. Blaaggghhh. Would those kernels come out without taking almost everything else besides a the outermost layer? Ha hahaahha ha. It was like wrestling something... horrible. If you were to go rooting around at the bottom of a pool of serious primordial ooze (it has to be serious, there's just no point in bothering with a pool of primordial ooze that isn't going to make the effort now is there?) you'd find something similarly nasty, it'd even squirm. Let me assure you that both would probably be on par for nasty Ewwwwww . Eventually wrestled some apart so they looked whole, more wrestling to get the disintegrating ones into a bowl from where they could be slurped enthusiastically up by myself (I can assure you that they were rather tasty). Plums are fairly enthusiastic about disintegration, almost as much as I am about eating them afterwards. Anyway, into the jar. My berries on top with the lone gooseberry sitting happily in the center (I presume happily, I didn't exactly ask how it was feeling. If I was about to have boiling hot syrup poured over my head I wouldn't be that happy so maybe that was a daft presumption). That done, bask, in that feeling of a (ahem minor) achievement (awesome,I've got it in the jar ) and back to the liquid. Realise that I'm going to have to do some serious boiling to reduce that liquid get it so that it'll all go in. Which will boil off the alcohol which I want for the additional preserving power (because I may just need all the help I can get ). Pouring some in would assist that I haz good ideas I do.

So what next?

Sterilize another bottle Eeeekkks the syrup is boiling dance it around the hob, how come its hard to remember which of the rings is the cool one? Testing them works too but its not so good for the syrup... But it is a nice caramel colour.

Good idea for the night-use what you need
Bad idea for the night-not thinking and not putting more sugar in. Using less so it should have been stronger. ach well
Delusion factor for the night-its ok until you try it
Delusion factor for the night 2-it looks ok and the syrup is a pretty burgundy colour.
Delusion factor for the night 3- ummm, I'm watching Frost on tv so I've forgotten. Is it just me or do guys not age? Use a certain body spray beginning with L and you can get a pretty girl instantly . Use man anti grey hair dye and you get a pretty woman all googly eyed at you. Gaagggh . Oooh I've remembered things will stay in place instead of floating or swirling around the bottle.

Right, get a kitchen towel into the big pot, seal the jar and ensure that its on the towel. Then some warm water, and it relax, let it heat for 25 minutes to 88 Celcius.

15 (ish, it all got... a bit paniced aftter that) phoned CGBF, hi loves its going well. It started to spew streams of bubbles like some strange jar shaped dragon. Streams of them out of random points around the lid. So I could compare it to Yellowstone. Abandon CGBF in a flurry of obsenities. Could I get hold of my parents? (who are they to have social lives)? Ah ha hahahahaha, phoned Aunty Anne, she's not it, parents? still absent, Granny, she'll help me (and its likely she'll be there), its beeeen agesss since she's did it. Oh the parents are on holiday. C*!p how could I forget (Luemburg at that precise time). Desperation is still pervading and there is still lots of bubbles . In bursts, usually when you least expect it. Other Aunty, who told me she hoped I wasn't making a mess of the cooker. Reassured all is well, yet again I've corrupted my cousin (whats wrong with Gooseberries I don't know, she likes them and they make nice plants. I hope she planted two, cross pollination being better. Whattt? What were you expecting? Something horrible? Charming.)

Decided that leaving the ring right by the clip wasn't helping. Blaaag. Wrestle it open and repeat. Minus phone calls and panicked shrieked swearwords. Fish it out abandoning them to cool to go blaaaagggghhh in the living room whislst staring into space. Oooh, not for anyone thinking of doing this the potato mashers with the horizontal base and handle on one side (so you don't have to try and wedge what can be a very large jar in the centre) are really good for getting them out. Just brace the other side with something). Tongs would help too but mine had to go back to Lakeland due to some flaw. Is it just me or have several big stores had that happen. M&S had a notice up too with similar items.

CGBF (much to my delight) the next day decided that it looked tasty and tried to get into it and couldn't break the seal. Meaning (obviously) it sealed .

From my rusty physics things expand when heated liquid and fruit expanded the air was driven out. Being allowed by hot band (moisture levels aiding to some extent) when the air and solids cooled and shrunk it caused a decreased pressure differential (slight vacuum). Basically the inwards pressure against the seal prevents the seal breaking. Preventing pathogens (bacteria etc) from getting in and spoiling it.

The Wednesday brought a jam making kit, Thursday brought jam. And I made it with CGBF (meaning we made it but it has to be from one of our perspectives and since I'm writing, and its my blog, its mine).

So singing, Learning to fly (Foo Fighters) calculating up to a different weight, plum juice (see earlier) and mad stirring. Mixed in with a good protion of mucking about and forgetting the recipe. Did you know that you have to fling jam about?

If its not onto plates (cold, putting them into a freezer to get them rapidly cool doesn't help. It just causes you to scream because you think your being burnt when you forget about it being cold in the first place) your trying to drip it into a bowl of water to see if it disperses or makes it to the bottom.

There was also a certain amount of liging about in mm ah not un akin to the way Iggy pop was acting in that insurance add.

But we came out of it alive and with 6 jars of plum jam. Which tasted really good and now has replaced CGBF's favourite which was strawberry. Which we made today. Along with some Loganberry in syrup (with brandy). We also have plans, involving some pineapple, mango, apricots and nectarines. Busy aren't we?

In honour of my plants which have given me jammable fruit and the new Harry Potter film I give you this. Which ended up quite prayer like, or a strange poem. Ooops.

I'd better go here, its late and I'm rather tired.
Great And Powerful Abjurcation Thing

Lo Cat I abdjure thee, tho I cannot spell well.
I will and command that thee n'crappy pas, in my plants.
For lo, they do be but seeds,
and cannot survive the ravages of thy ill doings.
For they, so delicate and soon to be pleasing in my sight,
are not even born as seedlings of the earth,
that came form the gardening center near Dyce,
Or maybe it was Dobbies in town.
For I do not remember, cos it was CGBF who bought it, with his dad
But I did buy the seeds, from a place online. That sold purple carrots
And yea I wast pleased
For I likth the purple, and the carrots and potatoes, when they come with cheese

For Lo, you crappy in the potato several weeks or some time ago and it dist die,
I remember not exactly when, only that we discovered its squidgy and strangely not mouldy remains in the pot. Wherest it was placed.

And thee crappest near the gooseberry, but it didst live.
For thee didst fear the CGBF, and the Gryphon (which wast me). Who didst stand and stare at thee.
At the time.
So thee feared to commit they ill doings nearby in the soft soil.
But not on the most blessed and thorny Gooseberry.
I should know, for I didst bless it. Because it was much merciful and did not stab my most delicate hand with a jeg.
For tho ist merciful and were infact planted by CGBF, whom tho dist stab with a jeg.
And he was not pleased. But he was not wroth at the pain. For he was laughing at me falling over, into the border.
Lo that hole wast and still is and chances are ever well be well hidden by grass.
Cos no one hast bothered to fill it up.
For we ist lazy and has much better things to do with our compost.
Which does not include your turd, and manyfold never thy pee.
For thou does smell. And lickth thy bum.

And the roots did survive, and the plant does thrive under our beneolevant gaze.
When we bother to go and look it it.
But yea the potatoe did die
And we were pissed.
For Lo that potatoe looked mighty tasty, and we thought it might do well.
So we planted it in the hopes that we mayest feast on its offspring.
With cheese and bacon.
And other nommy things.
For yea, that is a word.

So with great might and wisdom
thee flats brightest being, for I wast standth in the sun,
and everyone elses windows was closed.
So I wast the only one here standing in the sun. Truely
For it ist a truely bright and sunny day.
Thy now not mucky gardener realised this powerful abdjrcation,
which has been mighty and powerful through all the times it has existed,
since I made it up 10 minutes ago, whilst I did do the dishes.

So I abjure thee cat and all thy kind, for tho ist many and do not believe in abstanince, n'crappy pas, in my plants.
Lest I waffle at thee some more. And droneth on, in an Anglican style
Theeee Endddd